Random Thoughts

There is so much going through my head right now. Since this is available for public viewing, I have to be careful how I word some of these things, which is almost impossible since I don't know what words to use to begin with. I think I'll just list them even though they aren't so organized in my mind.

1. What is it about book stores? I love going to book stores and just walking around and looking at the titles. I know this is weird, but there is something (not sure what word to put here) about being in a book store. I stopped by Barnes n Noble on my way home from church today. I could have stayed there a couple of hours, but I knew I would have bought something so I made myself leave.

2. What do you do when you find out disturbing news about a friend? Obviously I learned some (let's call it) interesting facts about a friend of mine just now and I don't really know what, if anything, to do about it. I don't even know how to process the information. I just can't reconcile this with other things I believed to be true about my friend. All I can do is pray.

3. Today is Collin's birthday and I just got off the phone with him. I hope he is having a good day, in his new town, with his new friends.

4. I miss Uganda and the people. I've been looking through the photos of others who were there at the same time I was and I've come to realize that a part of my heart (more so than I thought) was left there.

(Tyler Wellman took these photos. I love them. I hope he doesn't mind me using them.)

5. God has blessed me with some wonderful friends. The fun thing is that they are all different and all in different stages of life. Two in particular have been on my mind lately/today. My best friend is going to have a baby in December and I can't wait! I get teary-eyed every time I think about her and the whole situation. I immediately move to laughter at the thought of her being a mom. I can't wait to see that! I have another friend who has been in a funk lately and that has been hard to watch. I'm a fixer by nature but it was clear from the beginning of the funk that there was nothing I could/should do to help fix this. So I pray for my friend and for me that I would know how to love this person through it.

6. I'm really excited about tonight. Our church is having a special time for those who went on short-term mission trips this summer, to share about their experiences. I'm excited because I'll get to see my teammates, see pictures from the trip (like I haven't seen at least 1000 of them), and I'll get to hear what the Lord did, and is continuing to do, in the lives of all who took part.

7. Finally, (this isn't the last thing running through my mind, but it's all I'm going to write about right now) I'm trying to decide what to do with the remaining 1 1/2 hours until I have to be back at church. The choices: nap, watch the original Hairspray, or clean my room. I think I'll watch the movie and I'm thinking I'll probably fall asleep.

In the Morning

...Things always look better in the morning. Nothing has really changed since last night except that God and I talked it out a little and that has helped.

Needing Rest

I'm tired...physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This is my third week back at work and I'm worn out. I have fallen asleep several afternoons after getting home from work. I know that eventually, once I get back into the swing of getting up early, I won't be as physically tired anymore.

I'm not so confident about moving past being spiritually tired. About 2 weeks ago I was on the verge of a mini breakdown. The cause was an internal battle of the mind, emotions, and soul. I fought well. I wanted to fight, through the yuck in my heart, and the lies I was being told, and the emotions that made me feel like a crazy, unstable person. I fought for a solid week and it was not fun, but I've never felt so loved by my Heavenly Father...it was that sweet ache I talked about in one of my previous posts. The battle finally calmed and for the past 2 weeks, things seemed to be okay; until tonight. The same lies and emotions came charging at me again. This time, I don't want to fight. Right now it feels hopeless and never ending; my thinking is, "what's the point." I know in my head that it isn't hopeless and there is a point, but I desperately need this truth to make it the 18 or so inches down to my heart.

Why is this time so different from the last? Looking back over the past 2 weeks, the only difference is that before, I spent time preparing for the battle. I was spending consistent time in the Word and in prayer. Since school started, that hasn't been the case and I firmly believe that has been the difference.

The Lies We Believe

I have a problem; I don't want to miss out on things. I will run myself ragged doing things simply because I think I will miss something if I don't. I've had this problem as long as I can remember, but now it's beginning to take its toll on me. I'm not sure what name you would give it, but I'm pretty sure it has become an idol in my life. Hanging out with friends, facebook, texting, email...they are all things I look to to feel included, accepted, and loved. The irony is that I often find myself doing or saying something that makes me feel completely stupid. The Lord has been talking to me about this for a few weeks now but I've been pushing it aside; maybe it's time I start listening.

The second point from Bob's sermon Sunday was "Unmask the idols of your Heart." Our idols will tell us lies in order to keep us from exposing them. One of those lies is that if I say no to my idol, I will be all alone, Christ won't show up, and He won't be sufficient for me. Basically, my idols mock Christ's sufficiency. Another lie is that it will feel like death, or I will be miserable, if I say no to my idol/s. I am promised that I will actually become more alive and more free than ever before but I'm not sure I really believe that one yet.

Tonight, I decided to take the first step in unmasking that idol I mentioned earlier. Well, that's not exactly true. I wish I could say that I made that decision, but I was so worn out that I just couldn't bring myself to take part in the plans for the night. You know what? I survived! It didn't kill me and I actually enjoyed it (I think it helped that my roommate was home). It wasn't an exciting night, but it was a good one. I watched Big Brother, read my Bible and Steph and I went to Publix.

Here is one of the verses that I read tonight: "The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply." Ps. 16:4

I guess God is serious about us not having other gods before Him, and He is faithful to show us those things which we do place before Him. The bottom line is that Christ is all I need, anything else is just icing. I wish it were as easy to believe as it is to say. This advise is for me and for my friend who is still looking for the hope in all of this: continue preaching His promises to yourself and being obedient, and eventually the head knowledge will turn to heart knowledge.

Repent, Believe and FIGHT!

What's So Great About Nashville?

Seriously, I want to know!

American Idols - Season 2

Bob finished his American Idols sermons today. As thought-provoking and challenging as last week was, it would have been easy to walk away feeling condemned or hopeless. A friend, talking about today's sermon, asked if we would be given hope today. The answer? Yes! Just as he always does, Bob brought us back to the Gospel in American Idols - Season 2. The Gospel isn't just the power of God for salvation, it is also the power of God to free us from the idols that would destroy us. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is our ONLY hope. Because of Christ, God looks kindly and favorably toward us, no matter what! It gives us the power to say "no" to our idols, as well as encourage others to say "no." Believing this makes it okay to ask the hard questions:

• "What is my greatest nightmare/what do I worry about most?"
  
• "What do I rely on or comfort myself with when things go bad or get difficult?"
  
• "What preoccupies me?"
  
• "What unanswered prayer would make me seriously think about turning away from God?"
• "What makes me feel the most self-worth/what am I most proud of?"
  
• "What do I really want and expect out of life/what do I think would really make me happy?"

These questions are very overwhelming and that's okay. We need to look at our sin and even ask our Father to show it to us, however (I'm reminded), for every glance we take at our sin, we need to gaze upon the cross 10 times more. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

As I was typing this, the following song came on my iTunes:

Just the Way I Am
Words and Music by Mike Weaver
... God’s “I love you” was signed, sealed, and delivered to us when Jesus died on the cross.
There’s nothing we can do to affect His end of the deal!
Now our “I love you” back is learning to simply trust and obey.

Unbelievable, I’m blown away it’s true
By the matchless love that I’ve found in You
Undeniable, the change in me
I’ve never felt so free
It makes me want to dance
You make me want to dance
When I think about how
You love me, You love me
You love me just the way I am
You love me, You love me
You love me just the way,
Just the way I am
Ever patiently accepting me
You love in spite of everything I do
But oh so faithfully
You’re committed to the process that makes me like You
And I feel like I can dance
Oh You make me want to dance
When I think about how
Not when I’m good enough
Not when I clean my act up
Not when I cross that line the thousandth time
And become a better man
Your grace is more than enough
To cover all my sins You washed them away
So right here today
You love me just the way I am

Run to the cross, and dance!

Eleven More Years

Today was the first day of school for students. Just in case some random person is reading this, I am starting my 5th year as one of the school counselors at Pleasant Grove Elementary. One of my co-workers and I were adding it up today, and this is my 14th year in education. That is so bizarre to me, but what is even more crazy is that I can retire from education in 11 years (not counting this year). I'm not sure how to feel about this. Part of me is thinking, "woohoo! that's awesome!" But another part of me is a little weirded out by the fact that I COULD RETIRE IN 11 YEARS. Oh my! I'm not old enough to be that close to retirement. Granted, I won't even be 50 at that point in my life, but still.... I mean, I don't have as much time left to work as I have already worked (does this sentence even make sense?).

I have not been very excited about this year. Before becoming a counselor, I taught 7 years at the high school level. Being with elementary age children for the past 6 years has gotten old. Kindergarteners are cute, but don't put me in a room with 18 of them, for 45 minutes, by myself; it's almost more than I can handle. Needless to say, I'm ready to go back to the older ones; have been for a couple of years now. This summer I interviewed for a high school counseling position and felt really good about the situation. I heard good things about my chances of actually getting the job. I never got the phone call, though. I wasn't devastated like I have been in times past when I didn't get the job I wanted. I love the people I work with and despite all my gripes, I love my boss. All things considered, I have a great job; I'm just ready for a change.

I said all that to explain why I haven't been very excited about this year. The Lord keeps reminding me that I'm right where I'm supposed to be for the time being. I have to rest in knowing that my God has a perfect plan for my life and right now, it happens to include being in the classroom, by myself, with about 18 five year olds, for 45 minutes a few times a week. I also know that He will give me the grace to endure.

My prayer for the year is that I will love my children well, be able to see their hidden needs and do what I am able to do to make them better, serve and love the people I work with, and be Jesus to those who may otherwise never see Him. Lord, keep reminding me that You, in Your sovereignty, kept me at PG for another year. Help me to rest in that. Enable me to love people and to let my light shine in such a way that they will see You, my Heavenly Father, and that You will be glorified!

Tomorrow is my friend/roommate's birthday...Happy Birthday Stephanie! I hope you have a great day!!!

I Can't Sleep

It's midnight and I have to be up in 6 hours. At the rate I'm going, I won't be getting much sleep tonight. I've gotten in bed twice now, only to get up and find something else to do. The first time, around 11:00 pm, I discovered that my toilet was clogged...GROSS! I tried to see if my friend, Cammie, might be awake so I could borrow her plunger, but she never responded to my text message. What choice did I have but to get in the car and drive up the road to the WalMart, to buy my very own plunger?!

The clog (GROSS) was easily dealt with (Shea, do you still have the auger?) so I decided it was time for bed, again. I began to pray and thoughts of Bob's sermon from this Sunday came flooding in. Bob preached on Daniel 3:1-30 and "American Idols." He included with our sermon outline, an excerpt from one of Tim Keller's books. Its purpose was/is to help you identify the idols in your own life. The directions were to circle any that we think apply to our lives. I'm glad I decided to forgo the circling; the page would have been one big mess of pen markings. Rarely (and sadly) do I ever really think about sermons (please don't tell Bob) but the Lord keeps bringing this one to mind and He keeps giving me real life examples to think and pray through.

As I was confessing my most prevalent idol (which today happens to be the idol of finding my worth and happiness in feeling important and needed), I was faced with the fact that I am one big idol factory. I began thinking about situations where I place things and people in positions of importance above God. As it turns out, this seems to be the norm in my life. Normally, this line of thinking would cause me to feel defeated and hopeless, but this time, my mind was lead in another direction. A familiar phrase of "cheer up" came to mind. "Cheer up, Julie, you are much worse than you will ever know, but Jesus stands before God on your behalf and because of His blood, it's as if you have done nothing wrong, and as if you have done everything right."

Tonight I did a little waltzing while trying to go to sleep. I don't feel defeated and hopeless. In fact, I actually feel that there is hope for me. I know I can't change my heart and stop manufacturing idols; only the Lord can do that. I pray that He will. 1,2,3...1,2,3.

If you want to hear Bob's sermon, you can follow the link below. Enjoy! And if you become overwhelmed at all the idols, run to the cross and dance!

American Idols - Season I

I'm going to try going to sleep again.

Trying To Be Profound

I've had visions of grandeur for this blog. I've actually put off starting it for fear that I wouldn't live up to my own expectations. I would love to be that person who is profound and eloquent when I speak (and write), but I'm afraid I'm a little more simple than that. Take coming up with a title for my blog for example. I asked my friend Whitney, who is so clever and funny, to help me. She's going to think about it and get back to me. The current name, A Fond Affection, is temporary and anyone who knows me well knows where it came from...it's not very profound. We'll see what we end up with. Now I'm wondering if I can go back and change the name.

I went on a mission trip to Uganda this summer for 2 weeks. I've been home almost a month and my life has been changed; at least I think/hope it has been. Since coming home, I really crave time in God's Word. That's new for me. I've been sad, broken, joyful, and content all at the same time and one right after another. It has been, and still is, an emotional roller coaster for me but I am honestly loving every minute of it. It's hard to explain.



A friend of mine asked me to give her an analogy for it. The only thing I could come up with is this: you know when you have a knot in your back and you have someone try to work it out? It can hurt so bad that you feel sick to your stomach, but at the same time, it really feels good. That's how I've felt since coming home from Uganda. It hurts (whatever "it" is) horribly at times but it is a sweet ache. The reason...God is doing a work in my heart unlike any He has ever done before, and I am so grateful. I'm learning how to waltz for the first time and while the sin sucks, my precious Savior is gentle to point me to His work on the cross.

"Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you." Ps. 33: 20